Change.

Sometimes in life you just need to move on. I know... in know... easier said than done. But, Ladies... (or Gents) i think it's time we made a change, now before i tell you what changes we should make, i'd like to tell you a story.
It started with me falling in love... then being lied to and manipulated for a year of my life and loving every second of it. Then, as you all know, having my heart broken, then getting over it, then becoming friends with that person, then... i lost my brother. Losing Michael has been extremely difficult for me and i don't know where to begin. I will write a blog to his memory, but i'm not ready yet... so this is not that blog. After losing Michael i found comfort in my Ex, because he knew and loved my brother too.
I blame it on grief... i did what i told all of you not too.... I fell in LOVE again.
What I'm beginning to learn is you may NEVER get over your first love. They took your heart and therefore every part of you that makes you you. This can be very healthy if you're in the right relationship but it also can be very damaging.
In this realization that i was still in love with him, i told him in a very vulnerable moment. "I'm still in love with you. "
He said nothing.
Then he walked out the door.
I chased after him and called his name. He turned around and we hugged. i was sobbing knowing i ruined our friendship.
He let go of me and began to walk towards his car again. i was sobbing and begging, 'Please don't leave me. Please.'
It was like a movie, but in the movies the guy realizes the mistake he made and turns around when he's halfway home, finds her and kisses her, promising to never leave again.
The next day i text him saying, 'i know i was emotional last night but i stand by what i said. I love you. a lot. a part of me thinks i always will. I'll do my best to get over you again, sorry i put you in this position.' we  haven't talked since.
It might be a mystery til the end of time. and i'll be honest a part of me thinks we'll end up together in the end. I'm not perfect... i still love him, even though he's all wrong.
that's okay.
but... only for now.
it's time to make a change.

first.
you need to stop blaming yourself.
if he let you go, you'll  drive yourself crazy trying to find out why... It doesn't matter why, it happened and now its up to you to find out what happens next.

next.
cut yourself off from him.
makes it hard to move on when you text him everyday. find some friends and go do fun stuff to keep your mind busy. get into a new show (i'm currently into Keeping up with the Kardasians), pick up more shifts, volunteer etc.

last.
find YOU again.
make yourself look and feel great. hit the gym, dye your hair, spend time with God, get a new tattoo, go back to school, change careers. Focus on making yourself the best version of yourself. And once you're finally whole again there are a few things that might happen. You might meet someone new, your ex might realize what he missed out on and come back (proceed with caution, don't slip into old ways blog about that soon), or you'll be free of you ex and not care anymore and excited for your future.

I know right now.... there's no future for me in Colorado. I'm considering going to university in Arizona for a year or two. Something i'll have to pray about.
what is going to be your change?

xoxo,
Alexis

Why Can't We Be Friends?

This isn't the blog I had planned for today, but unfortunately I'm  a little under the weather.
Later this week, as in tomorrow or the next day, i'll give you the breasts blog... it's gonna be fun. :)

For now, to hold you over... lets talk about being friends with your ex.

You guys have actually asked this question A LOT. Most of you are in the situation that I am in, where you were friends before... so losing him felt like you also lost your best friend.
This is a complicated matter. My initial advice is make sure you are completely healed first.

My friend put this the best way i have heard it, when you see him, you want to feel nothing. Not happy, not angry, just nothing.

Once you get to that point, AND only then. Can you consider being friends.

Think about it this way.
Am i going to be able to see him with someone else? if the answers no, then maybe reconsider for your sake. But if your heart is ice like mine... you won't care. (I'm kidding, but i can see him with other girls)

Then it really depends on the pair of you, but you need to find out how much time you can spend together without you falling for him again. For me, only one maybe two days a week i can see him and remain relaxed.

It's a dangerous zone and has a LOT of heartbreak potential befriending your ex. So think about it a lot and don't let your guard down... maybe for some of you, don't do it at all.

OKAY later this week (tomorrow or thurs) i'll be posting a VLOG all about the BREASTS.  How to take care of them, make them look bigger, and how to love them.
So thats the real blog... this is more just of a long answer.

Beauty tip- Start exercising again. It releases endorphins, that make you happy and give you MORE energy. Also you'll feel good about yourself... and build more confidence. I'm going to start jogging 5 days a week. what about you? Dancing, Yoga, Power-Walking?

XOXO, Alexis

A Guide to Falling Out Of Love

"Don't act like i didn't fight for you.
I did.
Hard, and for a long time.
So excuse me if now that were over,
I'm exhausted."
-Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl)

I think on some level it still shocks me how much he can still affect me,  but it doesn't matter. I woke up this morning enraged. I think how much of a shitty of a person he is still surprises me. I want to believe the best in him but i can't, he's hurt me too many times. I need to let go of this pathetic idea that he'll come back for me one day.
First of all. Who gives a shit?
Second of all. It doesn't matter, because either way my response will be the same.
"Only a Masochist could love such a Narcissist, and i don't love you."
Why would i keep pursing a friendship with a selfish prick? Why waste my time and energy on someone who seconds as a black hole? No. This is about me now, son of a bitch has had his turn for years! MY turn.
Either he's going to marry the girl he left me for (only knowing her for three days when they started dating... sounds like high-schoolers right?) or he is going to break up with her and run back to me. Regardless. I refuse to have anything to do with him ever again. He can consider himself out of my life. Even trying to just be his friend is so one-sided and still all about him. Much like our relationship.
I simply don't have energy to care anymore. I'm beat. He killed what was left of the good in me. And ultimately he ABANDONED me. He broke me. He's lucky i don't release my brothers on him.
The point of this blog, is i know you have moments like this too. Where your hate builds up, all the things you want to say.

There are two things i want you to do with this.

1. Remember this feeling and never look back. It's so much easier said then done and i guarantee one day many of you will have the opportunity to go back to him. DON'T. Never settle for someone who is not worthy of you. If he really wants to be with you he'll change, otherwise he missed the greatest thing that would have ever happened to him.

and

2. Write him a letter. Be honest, angry, say EXACTLY everything that you've ever wanted to say. Read it over. and burn it.
That's right. Burn it.
He doesn't deserve to know how much he holds over you and he never will, for all he'll know is you forgot he existed.
And when you burn it, let him go. You will never kiss him again, He will never hold you again, there is no future there for you two. Know that... and smile.

XOXO,
Alexis

Beauty Tip of the Day-
Do something for you today. It's time to pamper yourself, get the Royal Treatment you derserve. Get a Manicure, Dye your hair, Spend to much on a pair of heels, Take a bubble Bath:) ENJOY yourself because you deserve it.

And for those of you who were wondering... No. he does not read this blog, that would require him to notice somebody outside of himself.

Sexy Time

Part of getting over someone and/or being the best version of you is confidence, and feeling good about yourself.

AND part of that confidence comes from beauty. Now, before you start going on about inner beauty (which is relevant and we'll get to that later) consider these facts.

"-Mental Acuity, interpersonal skills, and moral goodness are all associated with Physically beautiful people.
-Beautiful People are believe by others to have happier marriages and more rewarding jobs. And the more likely they are to be hired, have a higher salary, and be promoted sooner.
-Better-looking people are more likely to marry sooner, as well as to marry people who have more money and a higher social status.
-more attractive babies have even been have even been shown to be rewarded with greater overt maternal affection."
-Dr. Oz

At the end of the day... you are just going to feel better about yourself.
I'm not saying you won't be successful if you don't make an effort (look at Bill Gates), but you definitely will be successful if you do try.

Beauty= Confidence= Boldness = Success.


Here's your beauty tip of the day,
Highlighting and contouring.

I am by no means, claiming to be a make-up artist. This is just the best i know how to do, thank you pinterest, but doing our best is all we ask of each other around here anyway :)

xoxo,
Alexis

My Heart is Broken... Now What?

Heartbreak. We've all been through it, however some wounds are deeper than others. Falling in love happens out of nowhere and naturally. Truthfully, the saying, "Love is blind." couldn't be more true. Anybody who has been madly in love and then scorned could tell you... there were warning signs, red flags, and even loved ones telling you "GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW!", and they were so in love... not only did they not listen, but they didn't see it.
Part of falling in the tangled web of love and heartbreak is not knowing your own worth. settling. ANY time you settle for less then your worth it'll lead to heartbreak.
From personal experience, i've only fallen in love once. It was great in the moment. I had a lot of fun, i learned to love someone more than myself, and i gave him everything. I loved him and gave him all of me in return for his love. You know what's funny? i never got his heart... but i'm still getting mine back piece by piece from him. Only one got hurt here. see what i'm talking about?
One day i woke up to find out, not only did he leave me, but he had replaced me. They call it a broken heart, but i hurt in my whole body. I thought he loved me, i thought i was gonna marry him, i thought wrong. It was one of the hardest things i went through... i cried, i screamed, i sobbed. I couldn't believe it. I tried to make him feel bad, i tried to manipulate him, i tried blackmail him, and in a very vulnerable, druken moment i even threatened to end my life... all to get him to care about me again. i hate that i swooped that low, but if this information helps you, the reader, to move on then there it is.

Step one. you are going to have low moments. Accept that.

All this time of reflection is good though... its part of the healing process. Just know there is always someone who had it worse and they made it.

Step two. You are going to make it.

The grieving process is different for each person, so i can't give you a quote you a 10 step plan to be over someone in 2 months, but hopefully this helps speed up the process.

Step 3. STOP TALKING TO HIM. There's time for that later, but right now stop it. NO texting, NO calling, and NO stalking. Some of you work with or go to school with your heartbreaker. DO everything to avoid them. It's necessary to the healing process... let it happen.

Now step four. Love yourself.

You're awesome and forgot that. luckily for you this blog is dedicated to making you remember that. From here on out i'll be sharing my heart, beauty tips, and ways to feel great. we're having a physical, spiritual, and mental make-over. are you excited? i am.
so get some beauty sleep, tomorrow is a new day. Also feel free to email me with specific situations and questions. I'll do my best and you do yours deal?

Beauty Tip of the Day- if you have dry skin, take a olive oil bath once a week. Olive oil is a fantastic natural moisturizer, just put in 1/4 cup of olive oil in your next bath and let it do its thing. Dry hair? dunk your head in for a bit too! best of all if you should choose to shave in this bath, you'll get the closest and smoothest shave you've probably had in a while.

xoxo, Alexis

The Best Valentines Day EVER!!

Let me just brag about these inCREDIBLE men of God!
February 14th, 2010 was an absolutely gorgeous day in Mijas. Now, most of us girls were feeling particularly single that specific day, being it Valentines Day and all... and unfortunately didn't really notice the beauty outside.
I remember telling some of my villa girls that we should do something for the guys, because the other house 'sans' did something for their boys. Ashley Harris looked at me offended and said, "NO! they should do something for US!"
This was an odd concept for me, because the only man that had ever 'treated' me was my dad. Other than that i was the one serving in relationships.
Nevertheless, i listened to Ashley and went on with my day.
Honestly, by the end of the day i wasn't expecting anything. I almost forgot it was Valentines Day. Jenn Myers and i were so unfocused on the holiday we used an opportunity to steal a beloved picture from Sans called the "lady of the house"... (who was later renamed 'Queen of the Villa')
In all that excitement, Jenn and i were shocked to come home to a fire, a beautifully set table, candlelight, and wine.
Patrick Baez, Zach Parish, and David Hoogendam, the men of our house, had prepared a valentines day dinner for all of the ladies.
We were told to sit at the table while the men brought us wine and dinner. It was an AMAZING dinner by the way! But, as AMAZING as the food was, the best part was how the boys served us the entire dinner. We didn't lift a finger.
Once dinner was over they brought us dessert, which too, was delicious.
During the meal the men told us how amazing we were as roommates, and as daughters of Christ. They made us feel valuable and loved.
After we finished eating they set up a movie for us in the living room and brought us chocolate and popcorn, they let us watch our chick-flick while they cleaned up the kitchen.
This was little, but a huge act of kingdom, and those same men served and loved us every day. They lived out excellence in all 6 months, not just for valentines day. They were the same men that covered the house spiritually so we always felt safe, the same men that would wash dishes for us so our newly painted nails wouldn't get ruined, the same men who brought us soup when we ran a fever, the same men who ALWAYS put up with us, even during that time of month when not one of the ladies was pleasant to be around.
These are kingdom men. And i also need to add Nate Hood and Armond Van Dijk who joined the villa the second semester with a loving, serving, and warrior spirit.
I guess i am trying to say thank you. I love you all and appreciate you. oh and ladies, some of them are single ;) but Andrew Sherman needs to approve first, then me, the 'sister.'

Happy Valentines Day.

PS.
Josh Markland, Chris Scott, and Joel Chitwood.
I didn't have the pleasure of rooming with these guys, but let me tell you they are some stand up men. They are on their way to be kings and they too served us villa ladies in small ways, Chris was always washing dishes after class, Joel always helped us out with house stuff, and Josh serenaded all of us with the guitar and you can't beat that.

Changing the World

I have come a long way since I said goodbye to G42 early June 18, 2010. I think I had this idea that I was going to change the world.
I am.
But it looks NOTHING like the way I pictured.
One thing that really stuck to me is that we all have something coming off of us. Jesus. And We are either giving life or death, and honestly it's unacceptable to give off death when we have Christ living inside us. No matter how hard it was being home, and no matter how lonely I felt I tried to make sure that I was still serving, still loving, and still giving off Christ in the midst of it all.
Now, when I thought of going home I pictured propheciesing over strangers and starting revivals... because like many of you reading this, i'm crazy. And for a while I thought I was failing miserably, but now I realize that i've been doing just what I thought I would be.
Some of us are called overseas, to bring hope and love to the hopeless and unloved. And it's great, needed, and honorable. It is an amazing, spirit-filled, STRONG person to leave their comforts, home, and hope of getting married to serve and only serve.
Some of us are called back home, maybe not forever, but definitely for a season. Going back to your old job and living in your parents basement... that's hard. It gives you a sense of being stuck, alone, and a failure. Not to mention everyone around you not only won't understand you, they also don't need God.
Finding this out was a shock to me and reduced me. I was crying out to God asking him where he went, trying make some sense of how I was feeling. Once again, I did remind myself that I was always giving off something... and no matter how bad I felt I wanted to give off Jesus. I forgot that when you have Christ LIVING inside you, you don't have a choice, he is GOING TO TOUCH PEOPLE, and coming from a place like 'G42' you are always ready and always have a yes in your spirit and you BETTER believe that you will be telling your atheist boss what God thinks about them, simply because God spoke.
A few occurances made me realize that I was ministering to people around me just by having Jesus life inside me. Co-workers were coming up to me and asking me about God, and they were amazed when I didn't judge and condemn them. Some AMAZING people, who have the call of God on their life, have been abused by the church. With love and truth (the WORD of GOD) these people will come alive again!! Hallelujah! I've seen this happen.
Another thing that hit me was my baby brother who has horrific nightmares came to me one morning and said, “Wes, Fear visited me again last night, but I did what you said to do... I told him I was a man of God, that I wasn't afraid, he was afraid, and told him to leave my room... and he did.” Yea, I go on about random G42 teachings consistantly in my home, but that time God spoke to Noah, it hit his spirit. I remember when actually telling him that he had authority we were driving to see Narnia and he stopped when I was telling him how he had GOD living in him and he said, “Wes, I don't know why, but I actually feel like i'm about to cry.”
God. God was speaking to him.
I am called home right now, and I am called to everyone I come in contact with... sometimes I have to step up and speak for the Lord and other times he does it for me. YOU do NOT have a choice, when you gave your life to God this is what you signed up for. YOU HAVE TO GIVE CHRIST! YOU HAVE TO BRING LIFE TO DYING SOULS! Always be full of the holy spirit, and don't miss an opportunity.
If the word of the Lord is needed, we will be the first to speak it.
Any advice to those about to go home? Never stop propheciesing. You are a Kingdom bringer.
We are a dangerous bunch and together we will change the world.

Just an idea.

What is the most resilient parasite? an idea.
I am a huge dreamer. Ever since i was little my subconscious was very active, creative, spontaneous. Being artistic, i loved the never ending creativity. Things that didn't exist, objects moving in ways they shouldn't, the impossible becoming possible. what fascinates me the most is that dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. The unconscious mind tries to compare your dream to something else, which is similar. Your subconscious never lies, you always will dream true desires in your heart. Dreams are so mysterious.
This is what draws me in...
when you dream, you get to be the artist, the narrator, the main character. Each story is yours with unending possibilities. There are wonderful, exotic places, and exciting, dangerous people. Every dream is a new page. a page you can fill with ideas.
Idea's can grow, become contagious, until we make them a reality.
Once an idea is set in a humans mind. There is no stopping it.
The Movie, 'Inception' just came out this summer... I absolutely loved it. Aside from the cinematography, story line, and amazing acting... i loved what the movie captured. Inception was able to articulate what i was never able to get out, but truly believed, and that is- just how powerful our minds really are'.
I don't think we give our minds enough credit, i don't think we fully understand how much we are actually capable of. Beside the brilliance of dreaming, do we actually realize how far we can take a dream? What if we decided to live like we do in dreams. What if we were as bold, creative, and did what it took to make an idea a reality? we could change the world. Our subconscious, the core of who we truly are, could walk out our lives. what a world that would be. but then again, this is all just an idea.

click below to watch a note-worthy clip-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmkQ7fw-l0g

Restful

Being back from G42 i had gone in and out of several emotions. The first 24 hours, and i mean the FIRST 24 hours (I started crying while driving away from the villa) i did nothing, but cry. I greived the loss of 19 other people that i loved dearly.
After that i went through an excited feeling being back home, getting to see friends, family, and familar places again. That Phase ended after a 48 hours since leaving spain. I'll never forget, my first official day back home... Emily and I sat down around 4PM to watch the Parent Trap and i started balling. I was so confused- why was i home? where was the medditerrianian? where did God go? why had i done 10 loads of dishes that day while my siblings played video games? why were we watching Parent Trap? Why weren't we watching Criminal Minds? Where was Josh playing the Guitar? Why weren't Abby and I dancing? Why wasn't Ashley singing? why wasn't Nate on my computer? Where was Jenn? Where was Patrick? Where was Alaina? where was everyone?
So then, once again, i spent all day crying.
Skipping a few weeks ahead- i found myself feeling alone, distant, sad. God kept speaking to me and encouraging me. But the longer i was home, the harder it got to hear God. I found myself just counting down the days until events-
I went into survival mode immediately, and people who are just trying to get by are the people who end up depressed.
I did find temporary joys getting to speak to other G42 interns on the phone or by e-mail, but i was still empty.
This past week i have noticed myself getting more angry, depressed, and generally dissapointed with the company around me. I kept telling myself once school starts it'll get better, or once you get a job you'll be happier. I also even began to think, i just need a new envirnment, maybe i should move to Indiana, or the east coast after this semester, just to surround myself with strong people. Not to mention looking at holiday flight prices to places like Georgia, DC, and Texas.
I knew something was wrong and i knew i needed to find God. I kept trying to say little prayers like 'i'm sorry i've been distant God, come into my life. amen' It wasn't working... either God was ignoring me or I wasn't hungry... and i think we all know the answer.
My sister can witness to this, every night this week i have been completely restless until about 4 in the morning.
I didn't think much of it, until tonight.
I laid there, 12:00AM, how am i going to pay off G42? i need a job, i should call someone from G42 tomorrow.
12:10 it's hot. i wonder if abby is up, oh wait she's at training camp...
12:20 I miss G42. i should move to the east coast.
12:30 being home is not what i expected. I wish someone would text me an encourging word.
12:40 crap it's 12:40, i'm going to be up all night yet again.

Then it hit me.
Maybe i should shut up and just pray...
I prayed for a bit, then stopped. And I was reminded of Andrew Shearman saying, "if you feel like you've lost God, stop what you are doing and get him back. You can't afford to lose the presence."
I start crying (because that is what i am good at these days), and asking God to come back to me... begging him. writing this now reminds me of a song by barlow girl-
i cried out with no reply and
i can't feel you by my side,
i hold tight to what i know,
you're here, and I am NEVER al0ne.
I couldn't feel him, but i knew he was there... and he had been trying to talk to me all week, especially at night and i kept ignoring him. He deserved to be pursued. I had missed God and it was my fault.
I started feeling lonely and abandoned again, where was God? I sat up in my bed and began to pray aloud. It all occured to me at once, as if i had forgotten, i was a warrior and it was time to pull out my sword. My voice shook in anger, "Depression! Come Here!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS!?! I WAS NOT GIVEN A SPIRIT OF TIMIDITY, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND! I am NOT DEPRESSED, and i am NOT ALONE... YOU ARE THE ONE DEPRESSED, and YOU are the one ALONE! Now leave in the name of Jesus Christ, you are not welcome here!"
It was gone, and i began giggling. Then i felt the holy spirit enter my room and all i could do was praise his name.
After about an hour i calmed down and laid my face into my pillow. I heard God say, "rest, lay in my chest. let me hold you, i will take care of everything." I started crying into my pillow, but it was a relieved cry, not a sad cry. That's all i needed to hear all this time. i needed to let God be my husband in the sense that i needed him to take care of things and never leave my side. I also needed God to be a father, I don't need to perform for him, he is PROUD of his daughter and will tell me he loves me millions of times a day. I have a daddy in heaven that just wants to protect me and spend time with me.
i was going to make the title of this blog, "restless", but i'm not. So that doesn't really make sense.
I am restful, because i am always full of the holy spirit and God will never leave me.

Shattered

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer,
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all...

Semester Summary Part 2 :(

I love God, I love G42, I love these people. I can't believe six months is already out the window. It seems like yesterday that i got here, but at the same time it feels like years ago. I can't believe it was only seven months ago that i didn't even know these 19 people existed, these same people that i know literally everything about now. In this time i have embraced community, i have made myself vulnerable, i have learned to strive in excellence, and i have broken new ground.
Everyone is very consumed with thoughts of home right now, i fly home 11 days from now. This whole experience is like a whirlwind! It seems like a dream at some points. We have learned and grown so much here, i have seen people transform completely. God has been on all of us and we are all changed, fiery, passionate people. We are 19 people who just like to have a really good time. We love the Lord and we strive after him. We love each other genuinely and we speak life into each other constantly. Community can be hard, but i have NEVER had so many people care for me, cry with me, love me, and be proud of me, all in one setting.
One of my friends here put it well today, 'it is like Spain is our home now and going back to the states is like going out into the mission field. ' It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this. I am going back home into a war-zone like many other here are. I am called back, but it is not going to be easy. I am going to have to stay firm in my friendships i have made here, and stay firm in God's promise over me and my family. I know we will all be okay, we are all warriors, but it is literally a battle.
G42 has ingrained a perseverance and passion in all of us that drives us to reject complacency, give life, and serve self-lessly. We understand that we are, but we will be. We comprehend kingdom, freedom, and prophecy. We know we are Christ with skin on. We are always full of the Holy Spirit and always have the word of the Lord. We are dangerous and hell screams in fear when the demons hear we are coming to town. We bless and give life to everyone around us. We know spring is here and winter has met it's end be cause the God of all is on his throne. And we get that we don't matter, yet we are absolutely essential!
G42 never really ends because it's in our blood. We are the Forty-Second Generation and we get to receive God's full inheritance COME ON JESUS!!!
We are passion. We are Rock-breakers. We are dangerous. We are prophetic. We are Loud. We are Prayer. We are men/women of God. We are warriors. We are G42.
is that spirit in the room? yes.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

You wouldn't know it by looking at me now, but i used to be a HUGE romantic. When i was little i just couldn't wait to grow up, fall in love, and get married. I remember writing in my journal as a 12-year-old dreaming about a man that would love me and protect me.
When i was 13 my dad gave me a promise ring that signified that i'd stay a virgin for my husband, this ring dedicated me to purity at a very young age. Then i went into middle school. Boys never really liked me much in those years, i was awkward and quiet, making it easy to keep my promise to God and my Dad. Through those years i did feel insecure and unwanted, not really understanding why i didn't have a boyfriend like all of my friends.
Finally i began to come out of my awkward stage and starting becoming friends with some of the boys in my grade. I was ready for my shinning moment, i was ready to be like my friends, i was ready to seem normal.

The winter of my Freshman year our family went to Kansas City for a wedding. My parents knew the couple, but as for my siblings and i we were just invited along. The Brother of the bride invited my mom, my sister, and i to the bachelorette party moments before it took place. The party was fun, i remember looking at this beautiful bride-to-be while day-dreaming about my future. The mother of the Bride and the bride, Alyssa, drove us girls home that night. On our way home Alyssa started casually asking me questions, how old was i, what grade was i in, did i have a boyfriend. I remember saying that i was 14 years old, i was in 9th grade, and then i bitterly stated that i had no boyfriend and had never had one. Alyssa turned around quickly in her seat to face me, her entire being was lit up.
Alyssa then gave me a talk that changed my life. She told me how she saved herself for her husband, but wished she would have saved more. She said she didn't realize it, but she gave her heart to several boys before her husband, how she had kissed several other boys who weren't her husband. She had given her emotions for boys who didn't measure to the man she was about to marry.
It stuck with me, it wasn't just about the label of 'virgin' it was about my heart.
Little did i know when i put on that purity ring i was committing to saving myself, my emotions, my love, my heart for the man God has destined for me.
I went through High-school watching girls around me losing their identities. We have a fatherless generation and we need MEN! Girls throwing themselves at boys because they don't have a daddy at home to be proud of them, to love them, to protect them. It's sad. But that was high-school, that's just how it was. I made it through, and it was hard, but i did it. God has had his hand on my life for a very long time.

It wasn't until recently i became bitter with the whole thing, i just gave up on the idea of love. Getting married didn't sound fun anymore it sounded like a job. Meeting the right guy didn't sound like a graceful adventure, it sounded like a heart-breaking mess. i didn't pursue anything because i was set on staying single, but at the same time the mere idea scarred me.
There is nothing wrong with being single, it just sucks. And you'll notice the people who tell you that it isn't that bad being single are either with the love of their life, or divorced.
I started to realize that whether i was a hopeful romantic, or a bitter single, it came down to one thing- I was afraid I'd end up alone.
Never being pursued, romanced, loved, made me believe that i was capable to ever have that happiness. So i guess in my mind i had given myself only two options- live hopefully and keep getting rejected or close off and shut down, so i don't feel anything and don't care.
Let me tell you, this is NO way for a woman of God to live.

I touched on this a little in my last blog, but here is the whole experience...
Coming to G42, God kept breaking me down a lot. I have been molded and pushed, and every deep root issue was brought to the surface within the first month. God revealed to me my need for approval in men. God brought me into a season of showing me how in love he was with me. He constantly pursued me and romanced me for days and days and days.... and it keeps going. He did little things to show me, which ultimately made me fall in love with him.
I'm being protected and i deserve to be protected.
I'm being pursued and i deserve to be pursued.
I'm being honored and i deserve to be honored.
I'm being fought for and i deserve to be fought for.
I'm being loved and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
I am daughter and bride of the King of Kings. God wants my love and companionship, i literally can't wrap my mind around that. The idea of love suddenly becomes beautiful and not far off all of the sudden with this revelation.
Yes, i am still single, and other than God, no, i have not fallen in love. I might get married this year or in ten. But i get to love, and live, and be happy... i am not alone. This is hard to walk in some days, but overall I am full and alive. And i do NOT have the gift of singleness in JESUS NAME! It's a natural desire for girls to want to get married, we like that stuff... i accepted that it's okay for me to want that. Right now it's just me and God and i am blessed with daily examples of what Godly men and women look like, what a kingdom marriage is built on, and what i WILL NOT settle for. I am slowly chipping away the wall i built around my heart so i am able to give it to a man someday and God is right there with me.
But i stand on this statement, "I want to be so engulfed in God that a man is going to have to search God's heart in order to find me." God is my first love and therefore the only one who can give me away.

"And walk in love, esteeming and delighting in one another as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God for you, so that it became a sweet fragrance."- Ephesians 5:2

Semester Summary

Last night was the Graduation Ceremony of 5 AMAZING G42 Interns. As the Ceremony went on it began to hit me that i only had three more months here. A constant theme of the last month has been freedom. Freedom in every aspect of the word. I think it is starting to occur to me that i actually get to do this thing. it's becoming more tangible.

When i first got here i asked God to make me his, i was sick of messing around and i was hungry. It's funny how we ask God to break us and then when he does, we don't like it. February brought in a lot of pain and hard truths that i had to deal with. I was being cleaned out and even though it hurt, i embraced it. I wanted God and all of him. A graduate gave me a word in the midst of all of it, that God was going to bring me into a

season of showing me how much he loved me.
and he did.
I began to be romanced by the God of all, the King of Kings. The Lord of EVERYTHING pursued me. It started with worship one night, David Fredriksz prophesied wonderful truths that empowered me. Then the Holy Spirit filled me with his joy and laughter, and i couldn't stop laughing. I have never felt so light then i did in that moment, and God continued to show his love for me in little things like that. Before i knew it i was beginning to love him back. It has never been simple for me to let anyone or anything touch that part of my heart, but i found that i absentmindedly gave the whole thing away. Being pursued and loved everyday and every minute made it easy to fall in love. I have much experience as God as the Judge and some of God as the Father. God as my husband is something completely new. If it sounds like i am completely and utterly in love, it's because i am. I can't get over God's beauty and greatness. It is astounding to me how wonderful he is, and all he does, and has done. I have always been independent, but now i can let God take care of everything and can let him be a consistent authority in my life. My heart never stops fluttering, i can't get enough and can't give enough.
On top of learning to love, freedom is evident. You will hear Dave Hearn say a lot, "We win this thing". I am beginning to get it. All of these little petty things in life don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. We all belong in the kingdom of God and it is our job to bring it to earth. Can we be people of excellence? Can we really see God become alive in this generation? yes. We win. It's that simple, we wake up in the morning and choose in. God is victorious and on his throne. With all that said i am stepping into deeper level, we all are. These next three months are going to be vital for all of us, shaping and molding us further. We all are finally over ourselves and all in. To all my supporters i want to thank you for being a part of this, you have blessed me so much. G42 has been a life changing experience and i can't wait to get more.

"God you are my God, I am a God person, we live together."- Ted Hanson.

What Does it Mean to Worship?

I have never been a worshiper. Partly because I am not musically talented in anyway. Another reason, I have never fully enjoyed or appreciated worship. I grew up in a church were 'worship' wasn't about praising God, in all honesty. Worship was more about a temporary spiritual 'high', always in a charismatic setting. Nothing is wrong with the charismatic church, that's not what i am saying; the problem with worship, or church in general, being full on charismatic, is that it lacks relationship and true passion with our Father.
This morning during praise and worship, i was convicted of my attitude towards worship. I heard my mom say once, "our family lacks worship, I asked God why and he said, 'Because you don't believe that i am good.'" That didn't make sense to me at the time, but it all came to me at once. I never had truly believed that God loved me more than life, I never truly believed God was for me and not against me, I never truly believed that I was God's daughter, his princess, his bride. It's funny, because I didn't think God was bad, judgmental, or condemning, but on the other side i didn't think God was good. In my mind God had been stuck in this vortex in the middle of good and bad, God was a gray area, inactive.
Maybe this is why in my free time i dedicated my quiet time to study of the bible solely, with little prayer and never any praise. If you don't think God is going to do anything, why would you ask for anything? Why would you praise his name?
The revelation that came to my heart this morning got me thinking. As we were worshiping, i thought to myself, "Why do we worship? What is the point?". At first, the divulgation of not believing God was good came to mind. Then I stopped thinking, and listened to the words coming from my routined lips. The song was "Everlasting" from Hillsong.


Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out



The words, the promises, I was singing before the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, humbled me in every way. "The art of LOSING myself in bringing YOU praise.", "In my heart, in my soul, i GIVE YOU CONTROL... CONSUME ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT!" It was then i realized that i was handing God the deeds to MY LIFE. I also realized that I had taken worship, and God, much to lightly. I think if the church took a second to listen to the words they promised God, they would be brought to their knees. I understand now, why King David danced through the city, ripping off his clothes, saying "I'll become even MORE undignified than this!" David got it. It's not about being charismatic, jumping around, and feeling 'good'. It's about coming before the Lord and King of heaven and earth and telling him how much you love him, "LET AND PRAISE BECOME MY EMBRACE... to LOVE YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT!". Worship is about giving your life away every day, understanding the cost of that or not, but giving your life away and diving fully into his glory! Our God is an Awesome GOD!
Lord, I am sorry for not praising you, for not loving you, for not realizing your heart. You are God, you are my friend, and you are the King of all.

Free from Bondage

My biological father passed away when I was four years old. It was a tragic loss making it hard to cope with everyday life. It was just my mom, my sister, and me for five years.
When tragedy, loss, or desperation strike a house hold, it is natural for people to run to a comfort zone. People always are looking for a god to rely on, whether it is Christ Almighty or an idol. Growing up, missing a father, I grew an attachment to food. At a young age I was gorging to fill the void in my heart. This 'Food god' became a habit for years to come. When my parents would confront me on this issue, I was quick to deny it, or become offended. As I grew older i ran to food every time something made me uncomfortable or sad.
Finally I hit a wall, I did not want to be a slave to that god anymore. I was unhappy, unhealthy, and even more depressed than I started out. Sunday night i cried out to heaven and hell "I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE'. It was then when i realized that this was more than an addiction, it was a demonic stronghold. Admitting that to myself was the first sign of redemption, I had been lying to myself for years because i didn't want to be the girl who had the 'eating disorder'.
Coming to G42 Leadership Academy was not an attempt to find myself, it is to prepare myself and set the bar for my journey ahead. In this experience I want to be completely real with myself and those around me. When this revelation came to me Sunday night i had planned to tell my best friend, Alaina and my mentor, Stephanie. During class that morning, we were talking about being full in the Holy Spirit and shutting down strongholds. We began going around being honest and open about what we were dealing with and how to be 'full' anyway. Sure enough my heart began pounding like crazy and my face became hot. I did not want to share this with 20 people i had only met a week ago, I didn't even like to share it with myself. I heard God say clearly to confess it with my mouth and declare it gone.
So I told everyone about this stronghold that had taken over my life, my voice shaking and face turning red. I ended with, "but I'm done, so i am saying right now to Heaven and Hell that this has no more control over me and i am free." The moment i said that, I literally felt a heaviness lifted off of me; Demon gone. It's amazing the authority you have in the Lord, Amen. The people i had confessed this to supported me and loved on me. Of course, right after i felt vulnerable and naked, regretting telling everyone. After the class, people came up to me thanking me for sharing and being honest, which shut the enemy down once again.
This is not hard to share now because I AM DELIVERED IN THE NAME OF JESUS and will never deal with that again. Thank you Jesus, Praise Jesus. This Demon has lied to me, abused me, and manipulated me for 14 years, and I am free.

Jenny Telfer: The Art of Giving

I meet Jenny when her World Race squad came through Swaziland, Africa around the end of May 07. I liked her immediately, she was beautiful, confident, and knew exactly who she was. What i loved most about Jenny, however, was her ability to love so effortlessly. Jenny has this great, amazing, full heart; When you talk to her she is so full of insight and love. She genuinely is interested in people and she is the definition of 'down-to-earth'. It is impossible to labor under any other emotion then absolutely adoring her, after meeting her.
Jenny has consistently spoken into my life, always empowering and encouraging me. I have learned how to elude confidence and set the standard on how to be a friend, a sister, and a daughter.
"Jennifer" is welsh, it means 'White Wave'. 'White' is also directly linked with 'Purity'. Jennifer means, a wave of purity. Jennifer means Grace. Jennifer means Blessing. Jennifer means protector. Jennifer means Loved.
Most girls in the American, christian community have a mentor. Jenny is my mentor, but more like a big sister. She has loved me, guided me, and blessed me in more ways then i could ever imagine. I want to be like Jenny when i grow up. I want to know who i am and do


it boldly. I want to be confident and beautiful. Mostly i want to pour into the next generation of women causing them to settle for no less then the inheritance God has for them.
Thank you Jenny.
-Alexis Black
"protector and defender"