I have come a long way since I said goodbye to G42 early June 18, 2010. I think I had this idea that I was going to change the world.
I am.
But it looks NOTHING like the way I pictured.
One thing that really stuck to me is that we all have something coming off of us. Jesus. And We are either giving life or death, and honestly it's unacceptable to give off death when we have Christ living inside us. No matter how hard it was being home, and no matter how lonely I felt I tried to make sure that I was still serving, still loving, and still giving off Christ in the midst of it all.
Now, when I thought of going home I pictured propheciesing over strangers and starting revivals... because like many of you reading this, i'm crazy. And for a while I thought I was failing miserably, but now I realize that i've been doing just what I thought I would be.
Some of us are called overseas, to bring hope and love to the hopeless and unloved. And it's great, needed, and honorable. It is an amazing, spirit-filled, STRONG person to leave their comforts, home, and hope of getting married to serve and only serve.
Some of us are called back home, maybe not forever, but definitely for a season. Going back to your old job and living in your parents basement... that's hard. It gives you a sense of being stuck, alone, and a failure. Not to mention everyone around you not only won't understand you, they also don't need God.
Finding this out was a shock to me and reduced me. I was crying out to God asking him where he went, trying make some sense of how I was feeling. Once again, I did remind myself that I was always giving off something... and no matter how bad I felt I wanted to give off Jesus. I forgot that when you have Christ LIVING inside you, you don't have a choice, he is GOING TO TOUCH PEOPLE, and coming from a place like 'G42' you are always ready and always have a yes in your spirit and you BETTER believe that you will be telling your atheist boss what God thinks about them, simply because God spoke.
A few occurances made me realize that I was ministering to people around me just by having Jesus life inside me. Co-workers were coming up to me and asking me about God, and they were amazed when I didn't judge and condemn them. Some AMAZING people, who have the call of God on their life, have been abused by the church. With love and truth (the WORD of GOD) these people will come alive again!! Hallelujah! I've seen this happen.
Another thing that hit me was my baby brother who has horrific nightmares came to me one morning and said, “Wes, Fear visited me again last night, but I did what you said to do... I told him I was a man of God, that I wasn't afraid, he was afraid, and told him to leave my room... and he did.” Yea, I go on about random G42 teachings consistantly in my home, but that time God spoke to Noah, it hit his spirit. I remember when actually telling him that he had authority we were driving to see Narnia and he stopped when I was telling him how he had GOD living in him and he said, “Wes, I don't know why, but I actually feel like i'm about to cry.”
God. God was speaking to him.
I am called home right now, and I am called to everyone I come in contact with... sometimes I have to step up and speak for the Lord and other times he does it for me. YOU do NOT have a choice, when you gave your life to God this is what you signed up for. YOU HAVE TO GIVE CHRIST! YOU HAVE TO BRING LIFE TO DYING SOULS! Always be full of the holy spirit, and don't miss an opportunity.
If the word of the Lord is needed, we will be the first to speak it.
Any advice to those about to go home? Never stop propheciesing. You are a Kingdom bringer.
We are a dangerous bunch and together we will change the world.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Just an idea.
What is the most resilient parasite? an idea.
I am a huge dreamer. Ever since i was little my subconscious was very active, creative, spontaneous. Being artistic, i loved the never ending creativity. Things that didn't exist, objects moving in ways they shouldn't, the impossible becoming possible. what fascinates me the most is that dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. The unconscious mind tries to compare your dream to something else, which is similar. Your subconscious never lies, you always will dream true desires in your heart. Dreams are so mysterious.
This is what draws me in...
when you dream, you get to be the artist, the narrator, the main character. Each story is yours with unending possibilities. There are wonderful, exotic places, and exciting, dangerous people. Every dream is a new page. a page you can fill with ideas.
Idea's can grow, become contagious, until we make them a reality.
Once an idea is set in a humans mind. There is no stopping it.
The Movie, 'Inception' just came out this summer... I absolutely loved it. Aside from the cinematography, story line, and amazing acting... i loved what the movie captured. Inception was able to articulate what i was never able to get out, but truly believed, and that is- just how powerful our minds really are'.
I don't think we give our minds enough credit, i don't think we fully understand how much we are actually capable of. Beside the brilliance of dreaming, do we actually realize how far we can take a dream? What if we decided to live like we do in dreams. What if we were as bold, creative, and did what it took to make an idea a reality? we could change the world. Our subconscious, the core of who we truly are, could walk out our lives. what a world that would be. but then again, this is all just an idea.
click below to watch a note-worthy clip-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmkQ7fw-l0g
I am a huge dreamer. Ever since i was little my subconscious was very active, creative, spontaneous. Being artistic, i loved the never ending creativity. Things that didn't exist, objects moving in ways they shouldn't, the impossible becoming possible. what fascinates me the most is that dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. The unconscious mind tries to compare your dream to something else, which is similar. Your subconscious never lies, you always will dream true desires in your heart. Dreams are so mysterious.
This is what draws me in...
when you dream, you get to be the artist, the narrator, the main character. Each story is yours with unending possibilities. There are wonderful, exotic places, and exciting, dangerous people. Every dream is a new page. a page you can fill with ideas.
Idea's can grow, become contagious, until we make them a reality.
Once an idea is set in a humans mind. There is no stopping it.
The Movie, 'Inception' just came out this summer... I absolutely loved it. Aside from the cinematography, story line, and amazing acting... i loved what the movie captured. Inception was able to articulate what i was never able to get out, but truly believed, and that is- just how powerful our minds really are'.
I don't think we give our minds enough credit, i don't think we fully understand how much we are actually capable of. Beside the brilliance of dreaming, do we actually realize how far we can take a dream? What if we decided to live like we do in dreams. What if we were as bold, creative, and did what it took to make an idea a reality? we could change the world. Our subconscious, the core of who we truly are, could walk out our lives. what a world that would be. but then again, this is all just an idea.
click below to watch a note-worthy clip-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmkQ7fw-l0g
Friday, July 23, 2010
Restful
Being back from G42 i had gone in and out of several emotions. The first 24 hours, and i mean the FIRST 24 hours (I started crying while driving away from the villa) i did nothing, but cry. I greived the loss of 19 other people that i loved dearly.
After that i went through an excited feeling being back home, getting to see friends, family, and familar places again. That Phase ended after a 48 hours since leaving spain. I'll never forget, my first official day back home... Emily and I sat down around 4PM to watch the Parent Trap and i started balling. I was so confused- why was i home? where was the medditerrianian? where did God go? why had i done 10 loads of dishes that day while my siblings played video games? why were we watching Parent Trap? Why weren't we watching Criminal Minds? Where was Josh playing the Guitar? Why weren't Abby and I dancing? Why wasn't Ashley singing? why wasn't Nate on my computer? Where was Jenn? Where was Patrick? Where was Alaina? where was everyone?
So then, once again, i spent all day crying.
Skipping a few weeks ahead- i found myself feeling alone, distant, sad. God kept speaking to me and encouraging me. But the longer i was home, the harder it got to hear God. I found myself just counting down the days until events-
I went into survival mode immediately, and people who are just trying to get by are the people who end up depressed.
I did find temporary joys getting to speak to other G42 interns on the phone or by e-mail, but i was still empty.
This past week i have noticed myself getting more angry, depressed, and generally dissapointed with the company around me. I kept telling myself once school starts it'll get better, or once you get a job you'll be happier. I also even began to think, i just need a new envirnment, maybe i should move to Indiana, or the east coast after this semester, just to surround myself with strong people. Not to mention looking at holiday flight prices to places like Georgia, DC, and Texas.
I knew something was wrong and i knew i needed to find God. I kept trying to say little prayers like 'i'm sorry i've been distant God, come into my life. amen' It wasn't working... either God was ignoring me or I wasn't hungry... and i think we all know the answer.
My sister can witness to this, every night this week i have been completely restless until about 4 in the morning.
I didn't think much of it, until tonight.
I laid there, 12:00AM, how am i going to pay off G42? i need a job, i should call someone from G42 tomorrow.
12:10 it's hot. i wonder if abby is up, oh wait she's at training camp...
12:20 I miss G42. i should move to the east coast.
12:30 being home is not what i expected. I wish someone would text me an encourging word.
12:40 crap it's 12:40, i'm going to be up all night yet again.
Then it hit me.
Maybe i should shut up and just pray...
I prayed for a bit, then stopped. And I was reminded of Andrew Shearman saying, "if you feel like you've lost God, stop what you are doing and get him back. You can't afford to lose the presence."
I start crying (because that is what i am good at these days), and asking God to come back to me... begging him. writing this now reminds me of a song by barlow girl-
i cried out with no reply and
i can't feel you by my side,
i hold tight to what i know,
you're here, and I am NEVER al0ne.
I couldn't feel him, but i knew he was there... and he had been trying to talk to me all week, especially at night and i kept ignoring him. He deserved to be pursued. I had missed God and it was my fault.
I started feeling lonely and abandoned again, where was God? I sat up in my bed and began to pray aloud. It all occured to me at once, as if i had forgotten, i was a warrior and it was time to pull out my sword. My voice shook in anger, "Depression! Come Here!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS!?! I WAS NOT GIVEN A SPIRIT OF TIMIDITY, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND! I am NOT DEPRESSED, and i am NOT ALONE... YOU ARE THE ONE DEPRESSED, and YOU are the one ALONE! Now leave in the name of Jesus Christ, you are not welcome here!"
It was gone, and i began giggling. Then i felt the holy spirit enter my room and all i could do was praise his name.
After about an hour i calmed down and laid my face into my pillow. I heard God say, "rest, lay in my chest. let me hold you, i will take care of everything." I started crying into my pillow, but it was a relieved cry, not a sad cry. That's all i needed to hear all this time. i needed to let God be my husband in the sense that i needed him to take care of things and never leave my side. I also needed God to be a father, I don't need to perform for him, he is PROUD of his daughter and will tell me he loves me millions of times a day. I have a daddy in heaven that just wants to protect me and spend time with me.
i was going to make the title of this blog, "restless", but i'm not. So that doesn't really make sense.
I am restful, because i am always full of the holy spirit and God will never leave me.
After that i went through an excited feeling being back home, getting to see friends, family, and familar places again. That Phase ended after a 48 hours since leaving spain. I'll never forget, my first official day back home... Emily and I sat down around 4PM to watch the Parent Trap and i started balling. I was so confused- why was i home? where was the medditerrianian? where did God go? why had i done 10 loads of dishes that day while my siblings played video games? why were we watching Parent Trap? Why weren't we watching Criminal Minds? Where was Josh playing the Guitar? Why weren't Abby and I dancing? Why wasn't Ashley singing? why wasn't Nate on my computer? Where was Jenn? Where was Patrick? Where was Alaina? where was everyone?
So then, once again, i spent all day crying.
Skipping a few weeks ahead- i found myself feeling alone, distant, sad. God kept speaking to me and encouraging me. But the longer i was home, the harder it got to hear God. I found myself just counting down the days until events-
I went into survival mode immediately, and people who are just trying to get by are the people who end up depressed.
I did find temporary joys getting to speak to other G42 interns on the phone or by e-mail, but i was still empty.
This past week i have noticed myself getting more angry, depressed, and generally dissapointed with the company around me. I kept telling myself once school starts it'll get better, or once you get a job you'll be happier. I also even began to think, i just need a new envirnment, maybe i should move to Indiana, or the east coast after this semester, just to surround myself with strong people. Not to mention looking at holiday flight prices to places like Georgia, DC, and Texas.
I knew something was wrong and i knew i needed to find God. I kept trying to say little prayers like 'i'm sorry i've been distant God, come into my life. amen' It wasn't working... either God was ignoring me or I wasn't hungry... and i think we all know the answer.
My sister can witness to this, every night this week i have been completely restless until about 4 in the morning.
I didn't think much of it, until tonight.
I laid there, 12:00AM, how am i going to pay off G42? i need a job, i should call someone from G42 tomorrow.
12:10 it's hot. i wonder if abby is up, oh wait she's at training camp...
12:20 I miss G42. i should move to the east coast.
12:30 being home is not what i expected. I wish someone would text me an encourging word.
12:40 crap it's 12:40, i'm going to be up all night yet again.
Then it hit me.
Maybe i should shut up and just pray...
I prayed for a bit, then stopped. And I was reminded of Andrew Shearman saying, "if you feel like you've lost God, stop what you are doing and get him back. You can't afford to lose the presence."
I start crying (because that is what i am good at these days), and asking God to come back to me... begging him. writing this now reminds me of a song by barlow girl-
i cried out with no reply and
i can't feel you by my side,
i hold tight to what i know,
you're here, and I am NEVER al0ne.
I couldn't feel him, but i knew he was there... and he had been trying to talk to me all week, especially at night and i kept ignoring him. He deserved to be pursued. I had missed God and it was my fault.
I started feeling lonely and abandoned again, where was God? I sat up in my bed and began to pray aloud. It all occured to me at once, as if i had forgotten, i was a warrior and it was time to pull out my sword. My voice shook in anger, "Depression! Come Here!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS!?! I WAS NOT GIVEN A SPIRIT OF TIMIDITY, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND! I am NOT DEPRESSED, and i am NOT ALONE... YOU ARE THE ONE DEPRESSED, and YOU are the one ALONE! Now leave in the name of Jesus Christ, you are not welcome here!"
It was gone, and i began giggling. Then i felt the holy spirit enter my room and all i could do was praise his name.
After about an hour i calmed down and laid my face into my pillow. I heard God say, "rest, lay in my chest. let me hold you, i will take care of everything." I started crying into my pillow, but it was a relieved cry, not a sad cry. That's all i needed to hear all this time. i needed to let God be my husband in the sense that i needed him to take care of things and never leave my side. I also needed God to be a father, I don't need to perform for him, he is PROUD of his daughter and will tell me he loves me millions of times a day. I have a daddy in heaven that just wants to protect me and spend time with me.
i was going to make the title of this blog, "restless", but i'm not. So that doesn't really make sense.
I am restful, because i am always full of the holy spirit and God will never leave me.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Shattered
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer,
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all...
Monday, June 7, 2010
Semester Summary Part 2 :(
I love God, I love G42, I love these people. I can't believe six months is already out the window. It seems like yesterday that i got here, but at the same time it feels like years ago. I can't believe it was only seven months ago that i didn't even know these 19 people existed, these same people that i know literally everything about now. In this time i have embraced community, i have made myself vulnerable, i have learned to strive in excellence, and i have broken new ground.
Everyone is very consumed with thoughts of home right now, i fly home 11 days from now. This whole experience is like a whirlwind! It seems like a dream at some points. We have learned and grown so much here, i have seen people transform completely. God has been on all of us and we are all changed, fiery, passionate people. We are 19 people who just like to have a really good time. We love the Lord and we strive after him. We love each other genuinely and we speak life into each other constantly. Community can be hard, but i have NEVER had so many people care for me, cry with me, love me, and be proud of me, all in one setting.
One of my friends here put it well today, 'it is like Spain is our home now and going back to the states is like going out into the mission field. ' It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this. I am going back home into a war-zone like many other here are. I am called back, but it is not going to be easy. I am going to have to stay firm in my friendships i have made here, and stay firm in God's promise over me and my family. I know we will all be okay, we are all warriors, but it is literally a battle.
G42 has ingrained a perseverance and passion in all of us that drives us to reject complacency, give life, and serve self-lessly. We understand that we are, but we will be. We comprehend kingdom, freedom, and prophecy. We know we are Christ with skin on. We are always full of the Holy Spirit and always have the word of the Lord. We are dangerous and hell screams in fear when the demons hear we are coming to town. We bless and give life to everyone around us. We know spring is here and winter has met it's end be cause the God of all is on his throne. And we get that we don't matter, yet we are absolutely essential!
G42 never really ends because it's in our blood. We are the Forty-Second Generation and we get to receive God's full inheritance COME ON JESUS!!!
We are passion. We are Rock-breakers. We are dangerous. We are prophetic. We are Loud. We are Prayer. We are men/women of God. We are warriors. We are G42.
is that spirit in the room? yes.
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