Shattered

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer,
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all...

Semester Summary Part 2 :(

I love God, I love G42, I love these people. I can't believe six months is already out the window. It seems like yesterday that i got here, but at the same time it feels like years ago. I can't believe it was only seven months ago that i didn't even know these 19 people existed, these same people that i know literally everything about now. In this time i have embraced community, i have made myself vulnerable, i have learned to strive in excellence, and i have broken new ground.
Everyone is very consumed with thoughts of home right now, i fly home 11 days from now. This whole experience is like a whirlwind! It seems like a dream at some points. We have learned and grown so much here, i have seen people transform completely. God has been on all of us and we are all changed, fiery, passionate people. We are 19 people who just like to have a really good time. We love the Lord and we strive after him. We love each other genuinely and we speak life into each other constantly. Community can be hard, but i have NEVER had so many people care for me, cry with me, love me, and be proud of me, all in one setting.
One of my friends here put it well today, 'it is like Spain is our home now and going back to the states is like going out into the mission field. ' It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this. I am going back home into a war-zone like many other here are. I am called back, but it is not going to be easy. I am going to have to stay firm in my friendships i have made here, and stay firm in God's promise over me and my family. I know we will all be okay, we are all warriors, but it is literally a battle.
G42 has ingrained a perseverance and passion in all of us that drives us to reject complacency, give life, and serve self-lessly. We understand that we are, but we will be. We comprehend kingdom, freedom, and prophecy. We know we are Christ with skin on. We are always full of the Holy Spirit and always have the word of the Lord. We are dangerous and hell screams in fear when the demons hear we are coming to town. We bless and give life to everyone around us. We know spring is here and winter has met it's end be cause the God of all is on his throne. And we get that we don't matter, yet we are absolutely essential!
G42 never really ends because it's in our blood. We are the Forty-Second Generation and we get to receive God's full inheritance COME ON JESUS!!!
We are passion. We are Rock-breakers. We are dangerous. We are prophetic. We are Loud. We are Prayer. We are men/women of God. We are warriors. We are G42.
is that spirit in the room? yes.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

You wouldn't know it by looking at me now, but i used to be a HUGE romantic. When i was little i just couldn't wait to grow up, fall in love, and get married. I remember writing in my journal as a 12-year-old dreaming about a man that would love me and protect me.
When i was 13 my dad gave me a promise ring that signified that i'd stay a virgin for my husband, this ring dedicated me to purity at a very young age. Then i went into middle school. Boys never really liked me much in those years, i was awkward and quiet, making it easy to keep my promise to God and my Dad. Through those years i did feel insecure and unwanted, not really understanding why i didn't have a boyfriend like all of my friends.
Finally i began to come out of my awkward stage and starting becoming friends with some of the boys in my grade. I was ready for my shinning moment, i was ready to be like my friends, i was ready to seem normal.

The winter of my Freshman year our family went to Kansas City for a wedding. My parents knew the couple, but as for my siblings and i we were just invited along. The Brother of the bride invited my mom, my sister, and i to the bachelorette party moments before it took place. The party was fun, i remember looking at this beautiful bride-to-be while day-dreaming about my future. The mother of the Bride and the bride, Alyssa, drove us girls home that night. On our way home Alyssa started casually asking me questions, how old was i, what grade was i in, did i have a boyfriend. I remember saying that i was 14 years old, i was in 9th grade, and then i bitterly stated that i had no boyfriend and had never had one. Alyssa turned around quickly in her seat to face me, her entire being was lit up.
Alyssa then gave me a talk that changed my life. She told me how she saved herself for her husband, but wished she would have saved more. She said she didn't realize it, but she gave her heart to several boys before her husband, how she had kissed several other boys who weren't her husband. She had given her emotions for boys who didn't measure to the man she was about to marry.
It stuck with me, it wasn't just about the label of 'virgin' it was about my heart.
Little did i know when i put on that purity ring i was committing to saving myself, my emotions, my love, my heart for the man God has destined for me.
I went through High-school watching girls around me losing their identities. We have a fatherless generation and we need MEN! Girls throwing themselves at boys because they don't have a daddy at home to be proud of them, to love them, to protect them. It's sad. But that was high-school, that's just how it was. I made it through, and it was hard, but i did it. God has had his hand on my life for a very long time.

It wasn't until recently i became bitter with the whole thing, i just gave up on the idea of love. Getting married didn't sound fun anymore it sounded like a job. Meeting the right guy didn't sound like a graceful adventure, it sounded like a heart-breaking mess. i didn't pursue anything because i was set on staying single, but at the same time the mere idea scarred me.
There is nothing wrong with being single, it just sucks. And you'll notice the people who tell you that it isn't that bad being single are either with the love of their life, or divorced.
I started to realize that whether i was a hopeful romantic, or a bitter single, it came down to one thing- I was afraid I'd end up alone.
Never being pursued, romanced, loved, made me believe that i was capable to ever have that happiness. So i guess in my mind i had given myself only two options- live hopefully and keep getting rejected or close off and shut down, so i don't feel anything and don't care.
Let me tell you, this is NO way for a woman of God to live.

I touched on this a little in my last blog, but here is the whole experience...
Coming to G42, God kept breaking me down a lot. I have been molded and pushed, and every deep root issue was brought to the surface within the first month. God revealed to me my need for approval in men. God brought me into a season of showing me how in love he was with me. He constantly pursued me and romanced me for days and days and days.... and it keeps going. He did little things to show me, which ultimately made me fall in love with him.
I'm being protected and i deserve to be protected.
I'm being pursued and i deserve to be pursued.
I'm being honored and i deserve to be honored.
I'm being fought for and i deserve to be fought for.
I'm being loved and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
I am daughter and bride of the King of Kings. God wants my love and companionship, i literally can't wrap my mind around that. The idea of love suddenly becomes beautiful and not far off all of the sudden with this revelation.
Yes, i am still single, and other than God, no, i have not fallen in love. I might get married this year or in ten. But i get to love, and live, and be happy... i am not alone. This is hard to walk in some days, but overall I am full and alive. And i do NOT have the gift of singleness in JESUS NAME! It's a natural desire for girls to want to get married, we like that stuff... i accepted that it's okay for me to want that. Right now it's just me and God and i am blessed with daily examples of what Godly men and women look like, what a kingdom marriage is built on, and what i WILL NOT settle for. I am slowly chipping away the wall i built around my heart so i am able to give it to a man someday and God is right there with me.
But i stand on this statement, "I want to be so engulfed in God that a man is going to have to search God's heart in order to find me." God is my first love and therefore the only one who can give me away.

"And walk in love, esteeming and delighting in one another as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God for you, so that it became a sweet fragrance."- Ephesians 5:2

Semester Summary

Last night was the Graduation Ceremony of 5 AMAZING G42 Interns. As the Ceremony went on it began to hit me that i only had three more months here. A constant theme of the last month has been freedom. Freedom in every aspect of the word. I think it is starting to occur to me that i actually get to do this thing. it's becoming more tangible.

When i first got here i asked God to make me his, i was sick of messing around and i was hungry. It's funny how we ask God to break us and then when he does, we don't like it. February brought in a lot of pain and hard truths that i had to deal with. I was being cleaned out and even though it hurt, i embraced it. I wanted God and all of him. A graduate gave me a word in the midst of all of it, that God was going to bring me into a

season of showing me how much he loved me.
and he did.
I began to be romanced by the God of all, the King of Kings. The Lord of EVERYTHING pursued me. It started with worship one night, David Fredriksz prophesied wonderful truths that empowered me. Then the Holy Spirit filled me with his joy and laughter, and i couldn't stop laughing. I have never felt so light then i did in that moment, and God continued to show his love for me in little things like that. Before i knew it i was beginning to love him back. It has never been simple for me to let anyone or anything touch that part of my heart, but i found that i absentmindedly gave the whole thing away. Being pursued and loved everyday and every minute made it easy to fall in love. I have much experience as God as the Judge and some of God as the Father. God as my husband is something completely new. If it sounds like i am completely and utterly in love, it's because i am. I can't get over God's beauty and greatness. It is astounding to me how wonderful he is, and all he does, and has done. I have always been independent, but now i can let God take care of everything and can let him be a consistent authority in my life. My heart never stops fluttering, i can't get enough and can't give enough.
On top of learning to love, freedom is evident. You will hear Dave Hearn say a lot, "We win this thing". I am beginning to get it. All of these little petty things in life don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. We all belong in the kingdom of God and it is our job to bring it to earth. Can we be people of excellence? Can we really see God become alive in this generation? yes. We win. It's that simple, we wake up in the morning and choose in. God is victorious and on his throne. With all that said i am stepping into deeper level, we all are. These next three months are going to be vital for all of us, shaping and molding us further. We all are finally over ourselves and all in. To all my supporters i want to thank you for being a part of this, you have blessed me so much. G42 has been a life changing experience and i can't wait to get more.

"God you are my God, I am a God person, we live together."- Ted Hanson.

What Does it Mean to Worship?

I have never been a worshiper. Partly because I am not musically talented in anyway. Another reason, I have never fully enjoyed or appreciated worship. I grew up in a church were 'worship' wasn't about praising God, in all honesty. Worship was more about a temporary spiritual 'high', always in a charismatic setting. Nothing is wrong with the charismatic church, that's not what i am saying; the problem with worship, or church in general, being full on charismatic, is that it lacks relationship and true passion with our Father.
This morning during praise and worship, i was convicted of my attitude towards worship. I heard my mom say once, "our family lacks worship, I asked God why and he said, 'Because you don't believe that i am good.'" That didn't make sense to me at the time, but it all came to me at once. I never had truly believed that God loved me more than life, I never truly believed God was for me and not against me, I never truly believed that I was God's daughter, his princess, his bride. It's funny, because I didn't think God was bad, judgmental, or condemning, but on the other side i didn't think God was good. In my mind God had been stuck in this vortex in the middle of good and bad, God was a gray area, inactive.
Maybe this is why in my free time i dedicated my quiet time to study of the bible solely, with little prayer and never any praise. If you don't think God is going to do anything, why would you ask for anything? Why would you praise his name?
The revelation that came to my heart this morning got me thinking. As we were worshiping, i thought to myself, "Why do we worship? What is the point?". At first, the divulgation of not believing God was good came to mind. Then I stopped thinking, and listened to the words coming from my routined lips. The song was "Everlasting" from Hillsong.


Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out



The words, the promises, I was singing before the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, humbled me in every way. "The art of LOSING myself in bringing YOU praise.", "In my heart, in my soul, i GIVE YOU CONTROL... CONSUME ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT!" It was then i realized that i was handing God the deeds to MY LIFE. I also realized that I had taken worship, and God, much to lightly. I think if the church took a second to listen to the words they promised God, they would be brought to their knees. I understand now, why King David danced through the city, ripping off his clothes, saying "I'll become even MORE undignified than this!" David got it. It's not about being charismatic, jumping around, and feeling 'good'. It's about coming before the Lord and King of heaven and earth and telling him how much you love him, "LET AND PRAISE BECOME MY EMBRACE... to LOVE YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT!". Worship is about giving your life away every day, understanding the cost of that or not, but giving your life away and diving fully into his glory! Our God is an Awesome GOD!
Lord, I am sorry for not praising you, for not loving you, for not realizing your heart. You are God, you are my friend, and you are the King of all.