Restful

Being back from G42 i had gone in and out of several emotions. The first 24 hours, and i mean the FIRST 24 hours (I started crying while driving away from the villa) i did nothing, but cry. I greived the loss of 19 other people that i loved dearly.
After that i went through an excited feeling being back home, getting to see friends, family, and familar places again. That Phase ended after a 48 hours since leaving spain. I'll never forget, my first official day back home... Emily and I sat down around 4PM to watch the Parent Trap and i started balling. I was so confused- why was i home? where was the medditerrianian? where did God go? why had i done 10 loads of dishes that day while my siblings played video games? why were we watching Parent Trap? Why weren't we watching Criminal Minds? Where was Josh playing the Guitar? Why weren't Abby and I dancing? Why wasn't Ashley singing? why wasn't Nate on my computer? Where was Jenn? Where was Patrick? Where was Alaina? where was everyone?
So then, once again, i spent all day crying.
Skipping a few weeks ahead- i found myself feeling alone, distant, sad. God kept speaking to me and encouraging me. But the longer i was home, the harder it got to hear God. I found myself just counting down the days until events-
I went into survival mode immediately, and people who are just trying to get by are the people who end up depressed.
I did find temporary joys getting to speak to other G42 interns on the phone or by e-mail, but i was still empty.
This past week i have noticed myself getting more angry, depressed, and generally dissapointed with the company around me. I kept telling myself once school starts it'll get better, or once you get a job you'll be happier. I also even began to think, i just need a new envirnment, maybe i should move to Indiana, or the east coast after this semester, just to surround myself with strong people. Not to mention looking at holiday flight prices to places like Georgia, DC, and Texas.
I knew something was wrong and i knew i needed to find God. I kept trying to say little prayers like 'i'm sorry i've been distant God, come into my life. amen' It wasn't working... either God was ignoring me or I wasn't hungry... and i think we all know the answer.
My sister can witness to this, every night this week i have been completely restless until about 4 in the morning.
I didn't think much of it, until tonight.
I laid there, 12:00AM, how am i going to pay off G42? i need a job, i should call someone from G42 tomorrow.
12:10 it's hot. i wonder if abby is up, oh wait she's at training camp...
12:20 I miss G42. i should move to the east coast.
12:30 being home is not what i expected. I wish someone would text me an encourging word.
12:40 crap it's 12:40, i'm going to be up all night yet again.

Then it hit me.
Maybe i should shut up and just pray...
I prayed for a bit, then stopped. And I was reminded of Andrew Shearman saying, "if you feel like you've lost God, stop what you are doing and get him back. You can't afford to lose the presence."
I start crying (because that is what i am good at these days), and asking God to come back to me... begging him. writing this now reminds me of a song by barlow girl-
i cried out with no reply and
i can't feel you by my side,
i hold tight to what i know,
you're here, and I am NEVER al0ne.
I couldn't feel him, but i knew he was there... and he had been trying to talk to me all week, especially at night and i kept ignoring him. He deserved to be pursued. I had missed God and it was my fault.
I started feeling lonely and abandoned again, where was God? I sat up in my bed and began to pray aloud. It all occured to me at once, as if i had forgotten, i was a warrior and it was time to pull out my sword. My voice shook in anger, "Depression! Come Here!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS!?! I WAS NOT GIVEN A SPIRIT OF TIMIDITY, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND! I am NOT DEPRESSED, and i am NOT ALONE... YOU ARE THE ONE DEPRESSED, and YOU are the one ALONE! Now leave in the name of Jesus Christ, you are not welcome here!"
It was gone, and i began giggling. Then i felt the holy spirit enter my room and all i could do was praise his name.
After about an hour i calmed down and laid my face into my pillow. I heard God say, "rest, lay in my chest. let me hold you, i will take care of everything." I started crying into my pillow, but it was a relieved cry, not a sad cry. That's all i needed to hear all this time. i needed to let God be my husband in the sense that i needed him to take care of things and never leave my side. I also needed God to be a father, I don't need to perform for him, he is PROUD of his daughter and will tell me he loves me millions of times a day. I have a daddy in heaven that just wants to protect me and spend time with me.
i was going to make the title of this blog, "restless", but i'm not. So that doesn't really make sense.
I am restful, because i am always full of the holy spirit and God will never leave me.

Shattered

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer,
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.
There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all...

Semester Summary Part 2 :(

I love God, I love G42, I love these people. I can't believe six months is already out the window. It seems like yesterday that i got here, but at the same time it feels like years ago. I can't believe it was only seven months ago that i didn't even know these 19 people existed, these same people that i know literally everything about now. In this time i have embraced community, i have made myself vulnerable, i have learned to strive in excellence, and i have broken new ground.
Everyone is very consumed with thoughts of home right now, i fly home 11 days from now. This whole experience is like a whirlwind! It seems like a dream at some points. We have learned and grown so much here, i have seen people transform completely. God has been on all of us and we are all changed, fiery, passionate people. We are 19 people who just like to have a really good time. We love the Lord and we strive after him. We love each other genuinely and we speak life into each other constantly. Community can be hard, but i have NEVER had so many people care for me, cry with me, love me, and be proud of me, all in one setting.
One of my friends here put it well today, 'it is like Spain is our home now and going back to the states is like going out into the mission field. ' It's going to be hard to say goodbye to this. I am going back home into a war-zone like many other here are. I am called back, but it is not going to be easy. I am going to have to stay firm in my friendships i have made here, and stay firm in God's promise over me and my family. I know we will all be okay, we are all warriors, but it is literally a battle.
G42 has ingrained a perseverance and passion in all of us that drives us to reject complacency, give life, and serve self-lessly. We understand that we are, but we will be. We comprehend kingdom, freedom, and prophecy. We know we are Christ with skin on. We are always full of the Holy Spirit and always have the word of the Lord. We are dangerous and hell screams in fear when the demons hear we are coming to town. We bless and give life to everyone around us. We know spring is here and winter has met it's end be cause the God of all is on his throne. And we get that we don't matter, yet we are absolutely essential!
G42 never really ends because it's in our blood. We are the Forty-Second Generation and we get to receive God's full inheritance COME ON JESUS!!!
We are passion. We are Rock-breakers. We are dangerous. We are prophetic. We are Loud. We are Prayer. We are men/women of God. We are warriors. We are G42.
is that spirit in the room? yes.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

You wouldn't know it by looking at me now, but i used to be a HUGE romantic. When i was little i just couldn't wait to grow up, fall in love, and get married. I remember writing in my journal as a 12-year-old dreaming about a man that would love me and protect me.
When i was 13 my dad gave me a promise ring that signified that i'd stay a virgin for my husband, this ring dedicated me to purity at a very young age. Then i went into middle school. Boys never really liked me much in those years, i was awkward and quiet, making it easy to keep my promise to God and my Dad. Through those years i did feel insecure and unwanted, not really understanding why i didn't have a boyfriend like all of my friends.
Finally i began to come out of my awkward stage and starting becoming friends with some of the boys in my grade. I was ready for my shinning moment, i was ready to be like my friends, i was ready to seem normal.

The winter of my Freshman year our family went to Kansas City for a wedding. My parents knew the couple, but as for my siblings and i we were just invited along. The Brother of the bride invited my mom, my sister, and i to the bachelorette party moments before it took place. The party was fun, i remember looking at this beautiful bride-to-be while day-dreaming about my future. The mother of the Bride and the bride, Alyssa, drove us girls home that night. On our way home Alyssa started casually asking me questions, how old was i, what grade was i in, did i have a boyfriend. I remember saying that i was 14 years old, i was in 9th grade, and then i bitterly stated that i had no boyfriend and had never had one. Alyssa turned around quickly in her seat to face me, her entire being was lit up.
Alyssa then gave me a talk that changed my life. She told me how she saved herself for her husband, but wished she would have saved more. She said she didn't realize it, but she gave her heart to several boys before her husband, how she had kissed several other boys who weren't her husband. She had given her emotions for boys who didn't measure to the man she was about to marry.
It stuck with me, it wasn't just about the label of 'virgin' it was about my heart.
Little did i know when i put on that purity ring i was committing to saving myself, my emotions, my love, my heart for the man God has destined for me.
I went through High-school watching girls around me losing their identities. We have a fatherless generation and we need MEN! Girls throwing themselves at boys because they don't have a daddy at home to be proud of them, to love them, to protect them. It's sad. But that was high-school, that's just how it was. I made it through, and it was hard, but i did it. God has had his hand on my life for a very long time.

It wasn't until recently i became bitter with the whole thing, i just gave up on the idea of love. Getting married didn't sound fun anymore it sounded like a job. Meeting the right guy didn't sound like a graceful adventure, it sounded like a heart-breaking mess. i didn't pursue anything because i was set on staying single, but at the same time the mere idea scarred me.
There is nothing wrong with being single, it just sucks. And you'll notice the people who tell you that it isn't that bad being single are either with the love of their life, or divorced.
I started to realize that whether i was a hopeful romantic, or a bitter single, it came down to one thing- I was afraid I'd end up alone.
Never being pursued, romanced, loved, made me believe that i was capable to ever have that happiness. So i guess in my mind i had given myself only two options- live hopefully and keep getting rejected or close off and shut down, so i don't feel anything and don't care.
Let me tell you, this is NO way for a woman of God to live.

I touched on this a little in my last blog, but here is the whole experience...
Coming to G42, God kept breaking me down a lot. I have been molded and pushed, and every deep root issue was brought to the surface within the first month. God revealed to me my need for approval in men. God brought me into a season of showing me how in love he was with me. He constantly pursued me and romanced me for days and days and days.... and it keeps going. He did little things to show me, which ultimately made me fall in love with him.
I'm being protected and i deserve to be protected.
I'm being pursued and i deserve to be pursued.
I'm being honored and i deserve to be honored.
I'm being fought for and i deserve to be fought for.
I'm being loved and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
I am daughter and bride of the King of Kings. God wants my love and companionship, i literally can't wrap my mind around that. The idea of love suddenly becomes beautiful and not far off all of the sudden with this revelation.
Yes, i am still single, and other than God, no, i have not fallen in love. I might get married this year or in ten. But i get to love, and live, and be happy... i am not alone. This is hard to walk in some days, but overall I am full and alive. And i do NOT have the gift of singleness in JESUS NAME! It's a natural desire for girls to want to get married, we like that stuff... i accepted that it's okay for me to want that. Right now it's just me and God and i am blessed with daily examples of what Godly men and women look like, what a kingdom marriage is built on, and what i WILL NOT settle for. I am slowly chipping away the wall i built around my heart so i am able to give it to a man someday and God is right there with me.
But i stand on this statement, "I want to be so engulfed in God that a man is going to have to search God's heart in order to find me." God is my first love and therefore the only one who can give me away.

"And walk in love, esteeming and delighting in one another as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God for you, so that it became a sweet fragrance."- Ephesians 5:2

Semester Summary

Last night was the Graduation Ceremony of 5 AMAZING G42 Interns. As the Ceremony went on it began to hit me that i only had three more months here. A constant theme of the last month has been freedom. Freedom in every aspect of the word. I think it is starting to occur to me that i actually get to do this thing. it's becoming more tangible.

When i first got here i asked God to make me his, i was sick of messing around and i was hungry. It's funny how we ask God to break us and then when he does, we don't like it. February brought in a lot of pain and hard truths that i had to deal with. I was being cleaned out and even though it hurt, i embraced it. I wanted God and all of him. A graduate gave me a word in the midst of all of it, that God was going to bring me into a

season of showing me how much he loved me.
and he did.
I began to be romanced by the God of all, the King of Kings. The Lord of EVERYTHING pursued me. It started with worship one night, David Fredriksz prophesied wonderful truths that empowered me. Then the Holy Spirit filled me with his joy and laughter, and i couldn't stop laughing. I have never felt so light then i did in that moment, and God continued to show his love for me in little things like that. Before i knew it i was beginning to love him back. It has never been simple for me to let anyone or anything touch that part of my heart, but i found that i absentmindedly gave the whole thing away. Being pursued and loved everyday and every minute made it easy to fall in love. I have much experience as God as the Judge and some of God as the Father. God as my husband is something completely new. If it sounds like i am completely and utterly in love, it's because i am. I can't get over God's beauty and greatness. It is astounding to me how wonderful he is, and all he does, and has done. I have always been independent, but now i can let God take care of everything and can let him be a consistent authority in my life. My heart never stops fluttering, i can't get enough and can't give enough.
On top of learning to love, freedom is evident. You will hear Dave Hearn say a lot, "We win this thing". I am beginning to get it. All of these little petty things in life don't even matter in the grand scheme of things. We all belong in the kingdom of God and it is our job to bring it to earth. Can we be people of excellence? Can we really see God become alive in this generation? yes. We win. It's that simple, we wake up in the morning and choose in. God is victorious and on his throne. With all that said i am stepping into deeper level, we all are. These next three months are going to be vital for all of us, shaping and molding us further. We all are finally over ourselves and all in. To all my supporters i want to thank you for being a part of this, you have blessed me so much. G42 has been a life changing experience and i can't wait to get more.

"God you are my God, I am a God person, we live together."- Ted Hanson.