Sometimes in life you just need to move on. I know... in know... easier said than done. But, Ladies... (or Gents) i think it's time we made a change, now before i tell you what changes we should make, i'd like to tell you a story.
It started with me falling in love... then being lied to and manipulated for a year of my life and loving every second of it. Then, as you all know, having my heart broken, then getting over it, then becoming friends with that person, then... i lost my brother. Losing Michael has been extremely difficult for me and i don't know where to begin. I will write a blog to his memory, but i'm not ready yet... so this is not that blog. After losing Michael i found comfort in my Ex, because he knew and loved my brother too.
I blame it on grief... i did what i told all of you not too.... I fell in LOVE again.
What I'm beginning to learn is you may NEVER get over your first love. They took your heart and therefore every part of you that makes you you. This can be very healthy if you're in the right relationship but it also can be very damaging.
In this realization that i was still in love with him, i told him in a very vulnerable moment. "I'm still in love with you. "
He said nothing.
Then he walked out the door.
I chased after him and called his name. He turned around and we hugged. i was sobbing knowing i ruined our friendship.
He let go of me and began to walk towards his car again. i was sobbing and begging, 'Please don't leave me. Please.'
It was like a movie, but in the movies the guy realizes the mistake he made and turns around when he's halfway home, finds her and kisses her, promising to never leave again.
The next day i text him saying, 'i know i was emotional last night but i stand by what i said. I love you. a lot. a part of me thinks i always will. I'll do my best to get over you again, sorry i put you in this position.' we haven't talked since.
It might be a mystery til the end of time. and i'll be honest a part of me thinks we'll end up together in the end. I'm not perfect... i still love him, even though he's all wrong.
that's okay.
but... only for now.
it's time to make a change.
first.
you need to stop blaming yourself.
if he let you go, you'll drive yourself crazy trying to find out why... It doesn't matter why, it happened and now its up to you to find out what happens next.
next.
cut yourself off from him.
makes it hard to move on when you text him everyday. find some friends and go do fun stuff to keep your mind busy. get into a new show (i'm currently into Keeping up with the Kardasians), pick up more shifts, volunteer etc.
last.
find YOU again.
make yourself look and feel great. hit the gym, dye your hair, spend time with God, get a new tattoo, go back to school, change careers. Focus on making yourself the best version of yourself. And once you're finally whole again there are a few things that might happen. You might meet someone new, your ex might realize what he missed out on and come back (proceed with caution, don't slip into old ways blog about that soon), or you'll be free of you ex and not care anymore and excited for your future.
I know right now.... there's no future for me in Colorado. I'm considering going to university in Arizona for a year or two. Something i'll have to pray about.
what is going to be your change?
xoxo,
Alexis
