Being back from G42 i had gone in and out of several emotions. The first 24 hours, and i mean the FIRST 24 hours (I started crying while driving away from the villa) i did nothing, but cry. I greived the loss of 19 other people that i loved dearly.
After that i went through an excited feeling being back home, getting to see friends, family, and familar places again. That Phase ended after a 48 hours since leaving spain. I'll never forget, my first official day back home... Emily and I sat down around 4PM to watch the Parent Trap and i started balling. I was so confused- why was i home? where was the medditerrianian? where did God go? why had i done 10 loads of dishes that day while my siblings played video games? why were we watching Parent Trap? Why weren't we watching Criminal Minds? Where was Josh playing the Guitar? Why weren't Abby and I dancing? Why wasn't Ashley singing? why wasn't Nate on my computer? Where was Jenn? Where was Patrick? Where was Alaina? where was everyone?
So then, once again, i spent all day crying.
Skipping a few weeks ahead- i found myself feeling alone, distant, sad. God kept speaking to me and encouraging me. But the longer i was home, the harder it got to hear God. I found myself just counting down the days until events-
I went into survival mode immediately, and people who are just trying to get by are the people who end up depressed.
I did find temporary joys getting to speak to other G42 interns on the phone or by e-mail, but i was still empty.
This past week i have noticed myself getting more angry, depressed, and generally dissapointed with the company around me. I kept telling myself once school starts it'll get better, or once you get a job you'll be happier. I also even began to think, i just need a new envirnment, maybe i should move to Indiana, or the east coast after this semester, just to surround myself with strong people. Not to mention looking at holiday flight prices to places like Georgia, DC, and Texas.
I knew something was wrong and i knew i needed to find God. I kept trying to say little prayers like 'i'm sorry i've been distant God, come into my life. amen' It wasn't working... either God was ignoring me or I wasn't hungry... and i think we all know the answer.
My sister can witness to this, every night this week i have been completely restless until about 4 in the morning.
I didn't think much of it, until tonight.
I laid there, 12:00AM, how am i going to pay off G42? i need a job, i should call someone from G42 tomorrow.
12:10 it's hot. i wonder if abby is up, oh wait she's at training camp...
12:20 I miss G42. i should move to the east coast.
12:30 being home is not what i expected. I wish someone would text me an encourging word.
12:40 crap it's 12:40, i'm going to be up all night yet again.
Then it hit me.
Maybe i should shut up and just pray...
I prayed for a bit, then stopped. And I was reminded of Andrew Shearman saying, "if you feel like you've lost God, stop what you are doing and get him back. You can't afford to lose the presence."
I start crying (because that is what i am good at these days), and asking God to come back to me... begging him. writing this now reminds me of a song by barlow girl-
i cried out with no reply and
i can't feel you by my side,
i hold tight to what i know,
you're here, and I am NEVER al0ne.
I couldn't feel him, but i knew he was there... and he had been trying to talk to me all week, especially at night and i kept ignoring him. He deserved to be pursued. I had missed God and it was my fault.
I started feeling lonely and abandoned again, where was God? I sat up in my bed and began to pray aloud. It all occured to me at once, as if i had forgotten, i was a warrior and it was time to pull out my sword. My voice shook in anger, "Depression! Come Here!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD OF GOD SAYS!?! I WAS NOT GIVEN A SPIRIT OF TIMIDITY, but a spirit of POWER, of LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND! I am NOT DEPRESSED, and i am NOT ALONE... YOU ARE THE ONE DEPRESSED, and YOU are the one ALONE! Now leave in the name of Jesus Christ, you are not welcome here!"
It was gone, and i began giggling. Then i felt the holy spirit enter my room and all i could do was praise his name.
After about an hour i calmed down and laid my face into my pillow. I heard God say, "rest, lay in my chest. let me hold you, i will take care of everything." I started crying into my pillow, but it was a relieved cry, not a sad cry. That's all i needed to hear all this time. i needed to let God be my husband in the sense that i needed him to take care of things and never leave my side. I also needed God to be a father, I don't need to perform for him, he is PROUD of his daughter and will tell me he loves me millions of times a day. I have a daddy in heaven that just wants to protect me and spend time with me.
i was going to make the title of this blog, "restless", but i'm not. So that doesn't really make sense.
I am restful, because i am always full of the holy spirit and God will never leave me.
