You wouldn't know it by looking at me now, but i used to be a HUGE romantic. When i was little i just couldn't wait to grow up, fall in love, and get married. I remember writing in my journal as a 12-year-old dreaming about a man that would love me and protect me.
When i was 13 my dad gave me a promise ring that signified that i'd stay a virgin for my husband, this ring dedicated me to purity at a very young age. Then i went into middle school. Boys never really liked me much in those years, i was awkward and quiet, making it easy to keep my promise to God and my Dad. Through those years i did feel insecure and unwanted, not really understanding why i didn't have a boyfriend like all of my friends.
Finally i began to come out of my awkward stage and starting becoming friends with some of the boys in my grade. I was ready for my shinning moment, i was ready to be like my friends, i was ready to seem normal.
The winter of my Freshman year our family went to Kansas City for a wedding. My parents knew the couple, but as for my siblings and i we were just invited along. The Brother of the bride invited my mom, my sister, and i to the bachelorette party moments before it took place. The party was fun, i remember looking at this beautiful bride-to-be while day-dreaming about my future. The mother of the Bride and the bride, Alyssa, drove us girls home that night. On our way home Alyssa started casually asking me questions, how old was i, what grade was i in, did i have a boyfriend. I remember saying that i was 14 years old, i was in 9th grade, and then i bitterly stated that i had no boyfriend and had never had one. Alyssa turned around quickly in her seat to face me, her entire being was lit up.
Alyssa then gave me a talk that changed my life. She told me how she saved herself for her husband, but wished she would have saved more. She said she didn't realize it, but she gave her heart to several boys before her husband, how she had kissed several other boys who weren't her husband. She had given her emotions for boys who didn't measure to the man she was about to marry.
It stuck with me, it wasn't just about the label of 'virgin' it was about my heart.
Little did i know when i put on that purity ring i was committing to saving myself, my emotions, my love, my heart for the man God has destined for me.
I went through High-school watching girls around me losing their identities. We have a fatherless generation and we need MEN! Girls throwing themselves at boys because they don't have a daddy at home to be proud of them, to love them, to protect them. It's sad. But that was high-school, that's just how it was. I made it through, and it was hard, but i did it. God has had his hand on my life for a very long time.
It wasn't until recently i became bitter with the whole thing, i just gave up on the idea of love. Getting married didn't sound fun anymore it sounded like a job. Meeting the right guy didn't sound like a graceful adventure, it sounded like a heart-breaking mess. i didn't pursue anything because i was set on staying single, but at the same time the mere idea scarred me.
There is nothing wrong with being single, it just sucks. And you'll notice the people who tell you that it isn't that bad being single are either with the love of their life, or divorced.
I started to realize that whether i was a hopeful romantic, or a bitter single, it came down to one thing- I was afraid I'd end up alone.
Never being pursued, romanced, loved, made me believe that i was capable to ever have that happiness. So i guess in my mind i had given myself only two options- live hopefully and keep getting rejected or close off and shut down, so i don't feel anything and don't care.
Let me tell you, this is NO way for a woman of God to live.
I touched on this a little in my last blog, but here is the whole experience...
Coming to G42, God kept breaking me down a lot. I have been molded and pushed, and every deep root issue was brought to the surface within the first month. God revealed to me my need for approval in men. God brought me into a season of showing me how in love he was with me. He constantly pursued me and romanced me for days and days and days.... and it keeps going. He did little things to show me, which ultimately made me fall in love with him.
I'm being protected and i deserve to be protected.
I'm being pursued and i deserve to be pursued.
I'm being honored and i deserve to be honored.
I'm being fought for and i deserve to be fought for.
I'm being loved and I DESERVE TO BE LOVED!
I am daughter and bride of the King of Kings. God wants my love and companionship, i literally can't wrap my mind around that. The idea of love suddenly becomes beautiful and not far off all of the sudden with this revelation.
Yes, i am still single, and other than God, no, i have not fallen in love. I might get married this year or in ten. But i get to love, and live, and be happy... i am not alone. This is hard to walk in some days, but overall I am full and alive. And i do NOT have the gift of singleness in JESUS NAME! It's a natural desire for girls to want to get married, we like that stuff... i accepted that it's okay for me to want that. Right now it's just me and God and i am blessed with daily examples of what Godly men and women look like, what a kingdom marriage is built on, and what i WILL NOT settle for. I am slowly chipping away the wall i built around my heart so i am able to give it to a man someday and God is right there with me.
But i stand on this statement, "I want to be so engulfed in God that a man is going to have to search God's heart in order to find me." God is my first love and therefore the only one who can give me away.
