I have never been a worshiper. Partly because I am not musically talented in anyway. Another reason, I have never fully enjoyed or appreciated worship. I grew up in a church were 'worship' wasn't about praising God, in all honesty. Worship was more about a temporary spiritual 'high', always in a charismatic setting. Nothing is wrong with the charismatic church, that's not what i am saying; the problem with worship, or church in general, being full on charismatic, is that it lacks relationship and true passion with our Father.
This morning during praise and worship, i was convicted of my attitude towards worship. I heard my mom say once, "our family lacks worship, I asked God why and he said, 'Because you don't believe that i am good.'" That didn't make sense to me at the time, but it all came to me at once. I never had truly believed that God loved me more than life, I never truly believed God was for me and not against me, I never truly believed that I was God's daughter, his princess, his bride. It's funny, because I didn't think God was bad, judgmental, or condemning, but on the other side i didn't think God was good. In my mind God had been stuck in this vortex in the middle of good and bad, God was a gray area, inactive.
Maybe this is why in my free time i dedicated my quiet time to study of the bible solely, with little prayer and never any praise. If you don't think God is going to do anything, why would you ask for anything? Why would you praise his name?
The revelation that came to my heart this morning got me thinking. As we were worshiping, i thought to myself, "Why do we worship? What is the point?". At first, the divulgation of not believing God was good came to mind. Then I stopped thinking, and listened to the words coming from my routined lips. The song was "Everlasting" from Hillsong.
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
The words, the promises, I was singing before the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, humbled me in every way. "The art of LOSING myself in bringing YOU praise.", "In my heart, in my soul, i GIVE YOU CONTROL... CONSUME ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT!" It was then i realized that i was handing God the deeds to MY LIFE. I also realized that I had taken worship, and God, much to lightly. I think if the church took a second to listen to the words they promised God, they would be brought to their knees. I understand now, why King David danced through the city, ripping off his clothes, saying "I'll become even MORE undignified than this!" David got it. It's not about being charismatic, jumping around, and feeling 'good'. It's about coming before the Lord and King of heaven and earth and telling him how much you love him, "LET AND PRAISE BECOME MY EMBRACE... to LOVE YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT!". Worship is about giving your life away every day, understanding the cost of that or not, but giving your life away and diving fully into his glory! Our God is an Awesome GOD!
Lord, I am sorry for not praising you, for not loving you, for not realizing your heart. You are God, you are my friend, and you are the King of all.
My biological father passed away when I was four years old. It was a tragic loss making it hard to cope with everyday life. It was just my mom, my sister, and me for five years.
When tragedy, loss, or desperation strike a house hold, it is natural for people to run to a comfort zone. People always are looking for a god to rely on, whether it is Christ Almighty or an idol. Growing up, missing a father, I grew an attachment to food. At a young age I was gorging to fill the void in my heart. This 'Food god' became a habit for years to come. When my parents would confront me on this issue, I was quick to deny it, or become offended. As I grew older i ran to food every time something made me uncomfortable or sad.
Finally I hit a wall, I did not want to be a slave to that god anymore. I was unhappy, unhealthy, and even more depressed than I started out. Sunday night i cried out to heaven and hell "I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE'. It was then when i realized that this was more than an addiction, it was a demonic stronghold. Admitting that to myself was the first sign of redemption, I had been lying to myself for years because i didn't want to be the girl who had the 'eating disorder'.
Coming to G42 Leadership Academy was not an attempt to find myself, it is to prepare myself and set the bar for my journey ahead. In this experience I want to be completely real with myself and those around me. When this revelation came to me Sunday night i had planned to tell my best friend, Alaina and my mentor, Stephanie. During class that morning, we were talking about being full in the Holy Spirit and shutting down strongholds. We began going around being honest and open about what we were dealing with and how to be 'full' anyway. Sure enough my heart began pounding like crazy and my face became hot. I did not want to share this with 20 people i had only met a week ago, I didn't even like to share it with myself. I heard God say clearly to confess it with my mouth and declare it gone.
So I told everyone about this stronghold that had taken over my life, my voice shaking and face turning red. I ended with, "but I'm done, so i am saying right now to Heaven and Hell that this has no more control over me and i am free." The moment i said that, I literally felt a heaviness lifted off of me; Demon gone. It's amazing the authority you have in the Lord, Amen. The people i had confessed this to supported me and loved on me. Of course, right after i felt vulnerable and naked, regretting telling everyone. After the class, people came up to me thanking me for sharing and being honest, which shut the enemy down once again.
This is not hard to share now because I AM DELIVERED IN THE NAME OF JESUS and will never deal with that again. Thank you Jesus, Praise Jesus. This Demon has lied to me, abused me, and manipulated me for 14 years, and I am free.
I meet Jenny when her World Race squad came through Swaziland, Africa around the end of May 07. I liked her immediately, she was beautiful, confident, and knew exactly who she was. What i loved most about Jenny, however, was her ability to love so effortlessly. Jenny has this great, amazing, full heart; When you talk to her she is so full of insight and love. She genuinely is interested in people and she is the definition of 'down-to-earth'. It is impossible to labor under any other emotion then absolutely adoring her, after meeting her.
Jenny has consistently spoken into my life, always empowering and encouraging me. I have learned how to elude confidence and set the standard on how to be a friend, a sister, and a daughter.
"Jennifer" is welsh, it means 'White Wave'. 'White' is also directly linked with 'Purity'. Jennifer means, a wave of purity. Jennifer means Grace. Jennifer means Blessing. Jennifer means protector. Jennifer means Loved.
Most girls in the American, christian community have a mentor. Jenny is my mentor, but more like a big sister. She has loved me, guided me, and blessed me in more ways then i could ever imagine. I want to be like Jenny when i grow up. I want to know who i am and do
it boldly. I want to be confident and beautiful. Mostly i want to pour into the next generation of women causing them to settle for no less then the inheritance God has for them.
Thank you Jenny.
-Alexis Black
"protector and defender"
